minsan

minsan may mga bagay na mahirap intindihin. mahirap unawain. hindi dahil hindi mo alam. kundi dahil ayaw mo talagang alamin. ayaw mong alamin kasi ayaw mong masaktan. ayaw mo na ulit masaktan.

minsan may mga bagay na kahit gaano mo gusto magtagal eh pilit na nawawala. un bang inalagaan mo ng matagal na panahon pero darating din sa punto sa mawawala pa rin sa iyo. kahit gaanong pag-aalaga ang gawin mo. kahit gaanong pagmamahal ang ibigay mo. maiisip mo tuloy, niloko ko lang ba ang sarili ko? pinaniwala sa isang bagay na wala naman talaga? dahil pagkatapos ng lahat ng paghihirap, ng pagsasakripisyo, nawala pa din sayo.

minsan gusto mong paniwalain ang sarili mo na kaya mo pa. na pwede pa. na hindi pa huli. na kahit nasasaktan ka eh patuloy ka pa rin. andyan na yan. hindi mo na matatakasan. kailangan mong harapin. kaya magpapanggap ka na lang na parang walang nangyayari. nagsisimula ka ng maging manhid. hanggang sa tuluyan ka ng mawalan ng pakiramdam.

minsan naman dumarating din sa punto na ikaw na mismo ang aayaw. dahil nagsawa ka na. dahil napagod ka na. nagising ka na sa katotohanan na walang patutunguhan ang lahat ng ginagawa mo. na pinipilit mo lang buhayin ang sarili mo sa isang kasinungalingan. na nabubuhay ka na lang sa pagkukunwari. hanggang sa dumating ang sandali na sumuko ka na.

minsan sinabi niya sayo, wag mong hintayin ung panahon na magsawa siya. na sumuko siya. pero hindi ka nakinig. binalewala mo lang. patuloy ka pa rin sa pananakit sa kanya. sa pagwawalang-bahala sa nararamdaman niya. sinubukan niyang maging manhid. dahil ayaw niyang isuko ang laban ninyo. nagbingi-bingihan siya sa mga naririnig niya patungkol sayo. nagbulag-bulagan sa mga dapat niyang makita. pero wala kang ginawa para sa kanya. para bang may nagawa siyang napakalaking kasalanan sayo na hindi mo kayang patawarin. lagi na lang siyang mali sa paningin mo. kahit minsan eh wala naman talaga siyang kasalanan. gusto niyang maging maayos ang lahat pero kahit anong gawin niya, bumabalik pa rin kayo sa umpisa. na para bang wala kayong pinagsamahan ng matagal na panahon. kahit ikaw ang may mali ay siya pa rin ang nanunuyo sayo. pero ikaw, naitanong mo na ba sa sarili kung kelan ang huling beses na ikaw ang nanuyo sa kanya?

hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kabigat ang dinadala niya. kung gaano kasakit ang pinagdadaanan niya. kaya hindi mo siya masisisi kung tuluyan na siyang sumuko. ginawa na niya ang lahat ng kaya niya. binigay na niya ang lahat ng pwede niyang ibigay. pero pinahalagahan mo man lang ba ang lahat ng pagsasakripisyo niya para sa iyo? isinaalang-alang mo ba kung anong nararamdaman niya? masasabi mo ba sa sarili mo na sa loob ng ilang taon na pinagsamahan niyo ay hindi mo siya binalewala? na naging mahalagang parte siya ng buhay mo?
minahal mo ba siya… kahit minsan lang?

mErRy ChRiStMaS!

pasko na naman… our 2nd christmas here in KL. as usual walang masyadong happening. yesterday nagluto kami for noche buena. kare-kare, lechon kawali, leche flan, carbonara. yum yum! sarap no? hehe.. nang-inggit pa..

we attended the midnight mass at Our Lady of Fatima in Brickfields. nun kinanta yun "O holy night", naiyak ako.. naalala ko kasi si nanay. nakakamiss. sabi nga ni nanay, nun magsimbang gabi daw siya nun dec16 naiyak din siya. kung mayaman lang daw siya, hindi na niya ako papaalisin. hay. ako din naman, ayoko sana umalis. kaya lang kailangan. well, dapat na cguro akong matutong magtipid para makaipon na. i'll make sure our next xmas will be spent in the phils.

anyway, tama na ang senti mode. sabi nga ng kanta, it's the season to be jolly. =) ok naman ang xmas celeb namin kahit kami-kami lang. besides, magkachat kami ng mga kamag-anak ko knina. so everything went well.

o cia, got to go.. may pasok na nga pala bukas. meri xmas! god bless u all..

to quit or not to quit?

have you ever felt that you are in a situation that you want to escape but you cant because of reasons you need to consider? well, im in one right now.

when i got a job overseas, i felt lucky. as my husband would always say, not everyone is given that chance so you must appreciate it. actually, i still feel lucky. it's just that i'm bored. im only doing support now. find something so that you'll do something. at first, it's kinda okay. but now, it isn't. it really isn't.

during the planning stage of the migration, we were only 5 in dcs. 1 TL and 4 programmers, out of the 4 are 2 regular employees. so when they told me that i'll be the one left to do the support to the old system while the others would handle the migration, it was ok with me. the whole system is migrating, so i thought that they need to prioritize their regular employees (besides i only have a year's contract). ok. i accepted that. but now, i actually feel worthless. im a contractor here, earning more than the regulars, but im not doing much. i mean you get contractors to do the tougher work for you. but here i am, doing system support. my TL asked me to resolve the system dumps. duh! why the heck do i need to solve all those system errors when after a few months, no one will be using the system anymore? this is really stupid.

that's why i really want to quit now. BUT…

after working for 7 months, i can't really say that we have savings. we had to pay our debts which we left in the phils, my mom's debts and the credit cards. so i cant quit now. i went here to earn and save money and i haven't achieved that. i always say that this is for my daughter. but what is happening? im sending more than half of my salary every month for payment and to give to my relatives. before i just sent to my mom, brother, uncle and aunts. my mom said i also have to give to my other uncle, cousins and nieces. why do i have to do that? because if i don't they will think that im not sharing what i have. they will say that i am "madamot". so instead of hearing all those nasty comments, i just give in to what my mom wants.

now the whole point of going here is starting to become nonsense. i only have a few months left. i dont want to extend because honestly i dont really like here anymore. i will try to apply in singapore or dubai but what if i dont get hired?

im really in a daze right now. i want to go but i just cant quit.
im just leaving it all up to destiny and faith.
i know that God has plans for me and my family.

note: im sharing this poem because this is what keeps me going.

DONT QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit –
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.

And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late when night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.

And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, –
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

… xmastime …

12 days til Christmas.

Sad ako kasi di ako makakapagspend ng xmas sa pinas. Konti lang kasi ang leave ko. Tapos yun plan namin na umuwi for new year, medyo tagilid pa. Di pa ako pinapayagan ng TL ko kasi testing nun mods na ginawa namin. Hay, ewan ko ba naman kasi kung bakit magsched ng testing eh end of the year. Tapos holiday pa until Jan 2. Kung ikaw ba ang user, magtetest ka ba nun? Well, no choice dahil part talaga to ng pagiging OFW.

Good thing, feel mo pa rin kahit papaano ang xmas season dito, lalo na sa mga malls. Kanya kanyang decor. Palakihan, padamihan at pabonggahan ng xmas trees. Meron din xmas shows. Pero iba pa rin ang pasko sa pinas. Di ko nga alam kung may simbang gabi din ba dito. Pero meron naman midnight mass sa 24th. Hay.. gusto ko ng magbakasyon..

Enweis, here are some pics taken sa mga mall dito.