minsan
Tuesday, July 22, 2008minsan may mga bagay na mahirap intindihin. mahirap unawain. hindi dahil hindi mo alam. kundi dahil ayaw mo talagang alamin. ayaw mong alamin kasi ayaw mong masaktan. ayaw mo na ulit masaktan.
minsan may mga bagay na kahit gaano mo gusto magtagal eh pilit na nawawala. un bang inalagaan mo ng matagal na panahon pero darating din sa punto sa mawawala pa rin sa iyo. kahit gaanong pag-aalaga ang gawin mo. kahit gaanong pagmamahal ang ibigay mo. maiisip mo tuloy, niloko ko lang ba ang sarili ko? pinaniwala sa isang bagay na wala naman talaga? dahil pagkatapos ng lahat ng paghihirap, ng pagsasakripisyo, nawala pa din sayo.
minsan gusto mong paniwalain ang sarili mo na kaya mo pa. na pwede pa. na hindi pa huli. na kahit nasasaktan ka eh patuloy ka pa rin. andyan na yan. hindi mo na matatakasan. kailangan mong harapin. kaya magpapanggap ka na lang na parang walang nangyayari. nagsisimula ka ng maging manhid. hanggang sa tuluyan ka ng mawalan ng pakiramdam.
minsan naman dumarating din sa punto na ikaw na mismo ang aayaw. dahil nagsawa ka na. dahil napagod ka na. nagising ka na sa katotohanan na walang patutunguhan ang lahat ng ginagawa mo. na pinipilit mo lang buhayin ang sarili mo sa isang kasinungalingan. na nabubuhay ka na lang sa pagkukunwari. hanggang sa dumating ang sandali na sumuko ka na.
minsan sinabi niya sayo, wag mong hintayin ung panahon na magsawa siya. na sumuko siya. pero hindi ka nakinig. binalewala mo lang. patuloy ka pa rin sa pananakit sa kanya. sa pagwawalang-bahala sa nararamdaman niya. sinubukan niyang maging manhid. dahil ayaw niyang isuko ang laban ninyo. nagbingi-bingihan siya sa mga naririnig niya patungkol sayo. nagbulag-bulagan sa mga dapat niyang makita. pero wala kang ginawa para sa kanya. para bang may nagawa siyang napakalaking kasalanan sayo na hindi mo kayang patawarin. lagi na lang siyang mali sa paningin mo. kahit minsan eh wala naman talaga siyang kasalanan. gusto niyang maging maayos ang lahat pero kahit anong gawin niya, bumabalik pa rin kayo sa umpisa. na para bang wala kayong pinagsamahan ng matagal na panahon. kahit ikaw ang may mali ay siya pa rin ang nanunuyo sayo. pero ikaw, naitanong mo na ba sa sarili kung kelan ang huling beses na ikaw ang nanuyo sa kanya?
hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kabigat ang dinadala niya. kung gaano kasakit ang pinagdadaanan niya. kaya hindi mo siya masisisi kung tuluyan na siyang sumuko. ginawa na niya ang lahat ng kaya niya. binigay na niya ang lahat ng pwede niyang ibigay. pero pinahalagahan mo man lang ba ang lahat ng pagsasakripisyo niya para sa iyo? isinaalang-alang mo ba kung anong nararamdaman niya? masasabi mo ba sa sarili mo na sa loob ng ilang taon na pinagsamahan niyo ay hindi mo siya binalewala? na naging mahalagang parte siya ng buhay mo?
minahal mo ba siya… kahit minsan lang?
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